I know there are a lot of people out there who are asking the question “how to feel better about myself?”.
Someone else may be asking “How to not give a fuck about x?”.
This article is the answer to both of those questions. Funny enough, they are two sides of one coin.
1. Everyone is cut from the same cloth
You have a lot more in common with other people than you think you do.
Not from the point of view of “interests”, but from the point of view how you “operate”.
The reason why people are so alienated from others is because they only see where other people are, not how they got there.
The point is, if you’d go through the same process as someone else, you would end up where they are.
You aren’t “inherently different” from anyone else. You just have a different kind of wiring.
I’ve seen a lot of successful people say that what they’ve done isn’t anything special and I’ve come to see why they are saying it.
Everything that they have achieved may look like some super-feat simply because people don’t understand the process. After you understand it, the mystery around it drops off.
2. Everyone lives in their own reality
Everyone has their own “model” of the world and how things should be.
People act through these beliefs and sometimes these world views conflict with each other.
This extends to every other thing that people do and say: their judgement, bullshit, everything (good things too).
Someone could have any kind of opinion of you simply because that’s how their reality has been built up.
Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
You don’t have to agree with their reality. You don’t have to care about it.
Let them have theirs and keep your own separate from it.
3. You lack desensitization
Whenever you feel anxious about something, always assume it’s because you haven’t desensitized yourself enough.
This is important because it takes the pressure off of you, where you may mistakenly believe that it’s somehow your fault that you are feeling uncomfortable.
The problem is that we don’t want to adapt to anything unless we are forced to.
Change of perspective:
Know that the more you push yourself in situations where you feel uncomfortable, the more you desensitize yourself and over time, becoming more comfortable.
There are countless of examples of people who have gotten used to the most unbelievable things.
Be aware that those people have felt the same kind of fear as you have.
They aren’t “unique”, you aren’t “unique”. You are just in different points with you conditioning.
The ultimate problem with this is that if you aren’t regularly desensitizing yourself, you actually start to become more sensitive to things.
In other words, your comfort-zone start to shrink.
A lot of people (including me) have experienced this by staying inside for longer periods of time (weeks+) and have become extra-sensitive to people. Being social after that feels impossible.
4. Expect nothing
Expecting pretty much anything makes life so much worse.
Do you expect too much from yourself or from other people?
having high expectations is a lose-lose situation for you.
Either your expectations are not met and you are disappointed OR your expectations are met and you aren’t even pleasantly surprised simply because you expected it to happen.
Just go with the flow.
5. Action creates emotion
Here’s the psychology today article about this.
I’ve also written so much about this (momentum) that I feel it’s appropriate to keep this one short.
tl;dr: When you do something, your emotions follow behind. If you wait around to feel good, you’ll be waiting forever.
6. Own your shortcomings
So what do I mean by “owning” your shortcomings?
Basically it means that you don’t feel the need to be ashamed of any part of who you are.
When someone isn’t owning some part of themselves, they are visible ashamed of it. They may even get defensive about it.
A perfect example of someone owning his shortcomings.
The point is, as long as you don’t care, no one else does either. (If someone does, look at point 2. and point 11.)
Be congruent. You know who you are and what people say doesn’t really concern you.
7. Lay back and listen more
My experience is that I’m capable of having great conversations and good vibe whenever I don’t force anything.
When you are used to filling every gap, being in a hurry to say something and trying a bit too hard, you may find that slowing things down can make the interaction so much better.
Most of all, you’ll feel better afterwards.
Do less. Put some pressure on other people instead of taking it all by yourself.
Lay back, listen more and get comfortable with silence.
8. You have nothing to prove
Well, maybe you have.
Not to anyone else, but to yourself.
9. No one’s focusing on you
The only time that people are thinking about you is when they think about what you think about them.
(..I’m kinda proud of that sentence.)
Do you think that anyone really cares about your opinion about them? Do you feel like you have “power” over someone with your opinions?
It’s the same for everyone. Everyone feels like that.
Stop feeling so self-centered.
10. It’s never personal
People react to what you do and what you say. Not to “who you are” as an identity.
Believing that things are “personal” is just your ego getting in the way.
If anyone else would be in your position, doing the same things that you are doing, people would react to that person in the same way.
11. Stop focusing on things you can’t control
“We are not entitled to the fruits of our labour, but only to the labour itself”
You can’t control your environment or other people – you can only control what you do now.
That’s the only thing that matters.
12. The Big Picture
We are the heroes of our own movies. Whatever we do and experience can seem like big deal to us, but in reality, it couldn’t be less insignificant.
Become aware of the whole universe and how vast it is.
When you realize that you are just a small piece of flesh on some random rock flying through space, experiencing this super-short period that we call life, things will start to look a lot less important.
If you look at your own life with a magnifying glass, you will find something to be worried about.
Throw that magnifying glass away and see the big picture instead.
13. You are a work in process
It’s your life, your own individual process. You may perceive other people “ahead of you”, but that’s simply bullshit.
Everyone goes through their own unique environment – we are all playing with the cards that we’ve been dealt.
Here’s a nice paradox for you: You both already are complete and you will never be complete.
This means that you should accept yourself for who you are, but you should also be aware that you aren’t getting anything (worthwhile) out of life if you stay as you are.
I’ve experienced it over and over that life becomes absolute shit when I stay still.
For me, growing isn’t really just an “option”, but a necessity.